fool.

yes i'm a fool.
yes i'm quite stupid.
and idiotic. and shallow. and superficial.
definitely materialistic.

yes, i'm not much.
i'm neither talented nor passionate.

i got by looking just pretty enough,
being fair-skinned enough,
and being school-smart enough.

i don't have things that i really want to do.
i'm indecisive as fuck, and shy, and a coward.
i don't speak nicely nor behave maturely.

i did lots of things back then.
i used to write a lot, and draw a lot.
i used to dance a lot too.
but i never took anything too far.

i repeated this for 20 years.
i got nothing.

so yeah maybe i have to be on my own now.
maybe i have to leave a space for me to grow now.
if i am not happy with who i am right now, how could anyone be?

the thing about heartbreaks

you know the thing about heartbreak is that, it's going to make you go up to anyone and talk to anyone who's willing to listen. and really, who's NOT gonna listen. especially when everyone know how much you loved him.

everyone's going to tell you that it's going to be okay
and it will be, and you know it

but there's the thing that your best friends say:
"you deserve better"

i frankly have no idea whether they just say that because they are my friends, or what
but then it kinda makes you stop and think:

and oftentimes thoughts are contradictory

well first of all, i THOUGHT relationships are settling with one even if you actually FOUND better
i mean, isn't that the core idea of 'fidelity'?
and i've always held that idea so highly

loyalty.

so what happens to that when we're no longer in a relationship?

how do you actually shift your loyalty to one person so quickly? i still feels the obligation to remain true to him, to be the forgiving girl to him, to always and always will be his safe place and all those shits

then it hit me that nothing's going to save me from this.

not Alexa Chung's pages of the 'it' book that described how she got through breaking up with Alex Turner, despite how deeply i feel the connection in both of them and my own relationship. well at least the guy who dumped me wasn't as hot as Alex, i mean i'd be crying for 15 years if i dated a man like that and he dumped me.

not the fact the the guy who dumped me actually said 'i'm bored of people who idolized Alexa Chung, that stupid bitch' and the fact that he knew from the start i'm such a big fan and decided to say that to my face, and i didn't say a thing back about how his precious Alex Turner is a hot mess of a douchebag music genius that he is right now.

not the fact that i actually feel his love slipping through my fingers lately in the relationship, and how he slowly closed himself down on me, or the fact that he knew exactly what he's doing is hurting me yet he pushed on for god-knows-why, and the fact that he didn't even wait around for me to get tired and dump him

nothing's going to save me here

not the chocolates i ate or can't bring to my mouth, not long, meaningful and heartwarming conversations with my ex-flames, not the talks with his friends who are really really nice to me, not the quotes i saved from pinterest and retweets and timeline updates or even this blog update..

not even the papers i have to write on the million films i have to watch, the million books i have to read, and these million worlds i want to escape in

he's going to always be there.
for now.

and maybe i can never shake him off my back, ever
but the fact that i have to carry on without him
despite the love letters i've written but haven't finished still lies there on my desk,
and the pictures of us i've printed,
and the stuffs he bought me still lingers around the room,

i just have to.

i just have to walk away
despite my deepest hope to just turn around and kneel before him, crying, and begging him to stay
to just work it out with me

i just have to walk away,
before i lost all my dignity, my values

i still have to save that, for someone who actually cares about me
someone who believe i deserve better

because someone's going to be really thankful that i broke up with him.


i will try my best not to care whether or not he will find his one true love
because he will get better at this, men always do
they will leave you, and they will improve, and they will treat another girl better
and you can't help but feel the urge to punch him in the face with a chair

'why can't you realized that with me!?'

but the truth is he can't. he won't ever.
he have to lose something -- you.

'maybe one day we will deserve each other'.

i told that to most of my exes.
that one day never come.

i knew right from the start he's going to break my heart -- and yes he did.
and i have this really romantic, unfulfilling love that i kind of have a thing for.

หวานอม ขมกลืน.

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18 กุมภา 2014.

ณ วันที่ฉันไม่ค่อยเข้าใจเธอ 

{little miss holiday} 01

Dressing up

Cleaning up

Getting caught

this is incase i actually did something

in case i actually did something interesting
i should have a page telling people about me
i guess?

Verba Non Acta,
'Words, not action'.

I have this obsession with words...
Words make me happy.
Action are confusing to me, but words..
words will always be words.
It's effects are amazing - hence Verba non acta.