moms.

 I just had a little talk session with mom.

So I'm now on a gap year, taking a break before continuing my studies abroad.
I worry about a million shits because it matters to me as a young adult who have absolutely no idea how to play this game.

Someone shared a quote that said, from 18-25 you feel like you're left just started to play an unknown video game and you're right now just turning around, jumping, testing the buttons because you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you're doing.

That's true, that's me right now.

So Mom walked in and we started talking a little, and then it turn a little more serious. Note that me and my mom is very close -- we're like sisters. I love her and I also don't like her very much. She's my whole world and my hero, and I'm also always a little jealous and annoyed of her.

One of my struggle into adulthood is leaving her shadow. Well, not just my mom, but my family. This will sound like I'm just another ungrateful spoiled bitch, but yeah -- maybe I am.

I am raised as a little brat, wait no, I was BORN a little brat. The shittiest little brat. That manipulative tiny evil bitch who fake her tears and hide things she'd done wrong and point fingers at other kids and then kick them behind the scene to make sure they don't tell. Yep. That was me.

So you see, I'm born in an elite-ish family, middle class with a rich lineage tracing back to the royalties. No, like, for real. But the surname is supersized, 20,000 something people are using it, so it's not as special as it sounds. But well, I was taught to believe I was.

I never struggle with anything, and the laziest little fucker you'll ever meet. Still, I was on top of the class since I ever started school. And the classes that I didn't ace, it's only because I didn't want to. Well maybe except Algebra, because that shit cray. I wasn't very accustomed with disappointments.

Graduated High School with a silver cord, because I refuse to hand in a project that I find boring. (BRAT) Got into the finest school in the country with some pretty scores, went to interview without any portfolio, graduated with another second class honor, because I decided I don't want to attend the class at 4pm and was too lazy to drop out. WHAT.

Okay, so I'm confident. A little overconfident with school. I was a nerd, a geek, I know I am smarter than the majority of the students I meet and I put less effort. Yes, that little brat in me survived through within the academic field.

But I wasn't confident with life.

Like every other smart-asses, I'm not pretty. I was skinny, bony little kid, who ran the slowest even with my long chopsticky legs, and was always knocked out with a volleyball. In my school, those who doesn't play sports sucks. They're at the lower rankings. Back then Nerds don't have a voice. I wasn't pretty nor was I popular. And the boys! Oh, the boys, nobody likes me.

So of course I overcompensate.

Okay, where was I. Oh, right, I thought I was special. Like everyone else, because everyone I've ever met had told me so.

So now, life without academics, the only thing I'm good at without putting effort in, is over.
I, who has never put that much effort into anything, isn't used to it.

And because I was lazy and I gave up really, really, REALLY easily, I did a bunch of shits that I gave up half way and that made me feel like I can't accomplish anything. I don't like to put effort, I don't like to commit, or be serious. Heck, I've even fill my math exam with drawings and told the teacher "Math isn't what I do, Art is what I do."

And here I am, not able to make any art.

I am so ashamed of myself in the teens, my overly confident self, my no-fucks-to-give self, the me that thought I would one day rule the world and make myself proud.

I'm so ashamed because I think I'm pathetic and she probably thinks I'm pathetic as well.

But mom told me it's okay.

I've told you she was one of my struggles too. Even if she lacks the Asian-Parent-Please-Be-Doctor thing, and was very unconventional, and we are very close, I can't help but feel that I'm locked in a cage. Sure, I'll always be a daughter, gladly, but I feel that the daughter part of my life is just so overpowering that I feel obstructed to do, or be, anything else.

I feel that, because I'm 22, I'm supposed to be allowed some freedom. Or at least stay out late whenever I want. Or not come home some nights. Or something that I don't need to ask permission.

But I'm so young.
I'm still so very young.

My life isn't even mine. I can't survive on my own. I can't even make enough money for myself, let alone take care of them someday.

I thought I am an adult, or I wanted to be, reluctantly. If that make any sense.

But after a talk with her, I felt that I'm still so very young. And she said it's okay to be young.
It's good to be young. Because it's never too late when you're young.

The one thing you shouldn't let go when in your youth is your closeness to what you like. Because she said, what you like doesn't change, it doesn't waver much in your lifetime. If you love something, you'll always love it.

Not everyone is lucky enough to make a living off of what they love, but if you can still keep it around, that's going to make you happy. And you might not always be happy, but nobody is always happy.

I'm stressing out because I'm seeing all my friends having a life and taking a path, but what I don't know is, nobody knows what they're doing or where they're going as well.

It's a little cliche, she wrapped it up much better, but let's keep that talk in private.

All I know is I'm young, and it's still okay.

fool.

yes i'm a fool.
yes i'm quite stupid.
and idiotic. and shallow. and superficial.
definitely materialistic.

yes, i'm not much.
i'm neither talented nor passionate.

i got by looking just pretty enough,
being fair-skinned enough,
and being school-smart enough.

i don't have things that i really want to do.
i'm indecisive as fuck, and shy, and a coward.
i don't speak nicely nor behave maturely.

i did lots of things back then.
i used to write a lot, and draw a lot.
i used to dance a lot too.
but i never took anything too far.

i repeated this for 20 years.
i got nothing.

so yeah maybe i have to be on my own now.
maybe i have to leave a space for me to grow now.
if i am not happy with who i am right now, how could anyone be?

the thing about heartbreaks

you know the thing about heartbreak is that, it's going to make you go up to anyone and talk to anyone who's willing to listen. and really, who's NOT gonna listen. especially when everyone know how much you loved him.

everyone's going to tell you that it's going to be okay
and it will be, and you know it

but there's the thing that your best friends say:
"you deserve better"

i frankly have no idea whether they just say that because they are my friends, or what
but then it kinda makes you stop and think:

and oftentimes thoughts are contradictory

well first of all, i THOUGHT relationships are settling with one even if you actually FOUND better
i mean, isn't that the core idea of 'fidelity'?
and i've always held that idea so highly

loyalty.

so what happens to that when we're no longer in a relationship?

how do you actually shift your loyalty to one person so quickly? i still feels the obligation to remain true to him, to be the forgiving girl to him, to always and always will be his safe place and all those shits

then it hit me that nothing's going to save me from this.

not Alexa Chung's pages of the 'it' book that described how she got through breaking up with Alex Turner, despite how deeply i feel the connection in both of them and my own relationship. well at least the guy who dumped me wasn't as hot as Alex, i mean i'd be crying for 15 years if i dated a man like that and he dumped me.

not the fact the the guy who dumped me actually said 'i'm bored of people who idolized Alexa Chung, that stupid bitch' and the fact that he knew from the start i'm such a big fan and decided to say that to my face, and i didn't say a thing back about how his precious Alex Turner is a hot mess of a douchebag music genius that he is right now.

not the fact that i actually feel his love slipping through my fingers lately in the relationship, and how he slowly closed himself down on me, or the fact that he knew exactly what he's doing is hurting me yet he pushed on for god-knows-why, and the fact that he didn't even wait around for me to get tired and dump him

nothing's going to save me here

not the chocolates i ate or can't bring to my mouth, not long, meaningful and heartwarming conversations with my ex-flames, not the talks with his friends who are really really nice to me, not the quotes i saved from pinterest and retweets and timeline updates or even this blog update..

not even the papers i have to write on the million films i have to watch, the million books i have to read, and these million worlds i want to escape in

he's going to always be there.
for now.

and maybe i can never shake him off my back, ever
but the fact that i have to carry on without him
despite the love letters i've written but haven't finished still lies there on my desk,
and the pictures of us i've printed,
and the stuffs he bought me still lingers around the room,

i just have to.

i just have to walk away
despite my deepest hope to just turn around and kneel before him, crying, and begging him to stay
to just work it out with me

i just have to walk away,
before i lost all my dignity, my values

i still have to save that, for someone who actually cares about me
someone who believe i deserve better

because someone's going to be really thankful that i broke up with him.


i will try my best not to care whether or not he will find his one true love
because he will get better at this, men always do
they will leave you, and they will improve, and they will treat another girl better
and you can't help but feel the urge to punch him in the face with a chair

'why can't you realized that with me!?'

but the truth is he can't. he won't ever.
he have to lose something -- you.

'maybe one day we will deserve each other'.

i told that to most of my exes.
that one day never come.

i knew right from the start he's going to break my heart -- and yes he did.
and i have this really romantic, unfulfilling love that i kind of have a thing for.

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18 กุมภา 2014.

ณ วันที่ฉันไม่ค่อยเข้าใจเธอ 

{little miss holiday} 01

Dressing up

Cleaning up

Getting caught

this is incase i actually did something

in case i actually did something interesting
i should have a page telling people about me
i guess?

Verba Non Acta,
'Words, not action'.

I have this obsession with words...
Words make me happy.
Action are confusing to me, but words..
words will always be words.
It's effects are amazing - hence Verba non acta.