moms.

 I just had a little talk session with mom.

So I'm now on a gap year, taking a break before continuing my studies abroad.
I worry about a million shits because it matters to me as a young adult who have absolutely no idea how to play this game.

Someone shared a quote that said, from 18-25 you feel like you're left just started to play an unknown video game and you're right now just turning around, jumping, testing the buttons because you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you're doing.

That's true, that's me right now.

So Mom walked in and we started talking a little, and then it turn a little more serious. Note that me and my mom is very close -- we're like sisters. I love her and I also don't like her very much. She's my whole world and my hero, and I'm also always a little jealous and annoyed of her.

One of my struggle into adulthood is leaving her shadow. Well, not just my mom, but my family. This will sound like I'm just another ungrateful spoiled bitch, but yeah -- maybe I am.

I am raised as a little brat, wait no, I was BORN a little brat. The shittiest little brat. That manipulative tiny evil bitch who fake her tears and hide things she'd done wrong and point fingers at other kids and then kick them behind the scene to make sure they don't tell. Yep. That was me.

So you see, I'm born in an elite-ish family, middle class with a rich lineage tracing back to the royalties. No, like, for real. But the surname is supersized, 20,000 something people are using it, so it's not as special as it sounds. But well, I was taught to believe I was.

I never struggle with anything, and the laziest little fucker you'll ever meet. Still, I was on top of the class since I ever started school. And the classes that I didn't ace, it's only because I didn't want to. Well maybe except Algebra, because that shit cray. I wasn't very accustomed with disappointments.

Graduated High School with a silver cord, because I refuse to hand in a project that I find boring. (BRAT) Got into the finest school in the country with some pretty scores, went to interview without any portfolio, graduated with another second class honor, because I decided I don't want to attend the class at 4pm and was too lazy to drop out. WHAT.

Okay, so I'm confident. A little overconfident with school. I was a nerd, a geek, I know I am smarter than the majority of the students I meet and I put less effort. Yes, that little brat in me survived through within the academic field.

But I wasn't confident with life.

Like every other smart-asses, I'm not pretty. I was skinny, bony little kid, who ran the slowest even with my long chopsticky legs, and was always knocked out with a volleyball. In my school, those who doesn't play sports sucks. They're at the lower rankings. Back then Nerds don't have a voice. I wasn't pretty nor was I popular. And the boys! Oh, the boys, nobody likes me.

So of course I overcompensate.

Okay, where was I. Oh, right, I thought I was special. Like everyone else, because everyone I've ever met had told me so.

So now, life without academics, the only thing I'm good at without putting effort in, is over.
I, who has never put that much effort into anything, isn't used to it.

And because I was lazy and I gave up really, really, REALLY easily, I did a bunch of shits that I gave up half way and that made me feel like I can't accomplish anything. I don't like to put effort, I don't like to commit, or be serious. Heck, I've even fill my math exam with drawings and told the teacher "Math isn't what I do, Art is what I do."

And here I am, not able to make any art.

I am so ashamed of myself in the teens, my overly confident self, my no-fucks-to-give self, the me that thought I would one day rule the world and make myself proud.

I'm so ashamed because I think I'm pathetic and she probably thinks I'm pathetic as well.

But mom told me it's okay.

I've told you she was one of my struggles too. Even if she lacks the Asian-Parent-Please-Be-Doctor thing, and was very unconventional, and we are very close, I can't help but feel that I'm locked in a cage. Sure, I'll always be a daughter, gladly, but I feel that the daughter part of my life is just so overpowering that I feel obstructed to do, or be, anything else.

I feel that, because I'm 22, I'm supposed to be allowed some freedom. Or at least stay out late whenever I want. Or not come home some nights. Or something that I don't need to ask permission.

But I'm so young.
I'm still so very young.

My life isn't even mine. I can't survive on my own. I can't even make enough money for myself, let alone take care of them someday.

I thought I am an adult, or I wanted to be, reluctantly. If that make any sense.

But after a talk with her, I felt that I'm still so very young. And she said it's okay to be young.
It's good to be young. Because it's never too late when you're young.

The one thing you shouldn't let go when in your youth is your closeness to what you like. Because she said, what you like doesn't change, it doesn't waver much in your lifetime. If you love something, you'll always love it.

Not everyone is lucky enough to make a living off of what they love, but if you can still keep it around, that's going to make you happy. And you might not always be happy, but nobody is always happy.

I'm stressing out because I'm seeing all my friends having a life and taking a path, but what I don't know is, nobody knows what they're doing or where they're going as well.

It's a little cliche, she wrapped it up much better, but let's keep that talk in private.

All I know is I'm young, and it's still okay.